by Melanie Penner
Most of us fear the diagnosis of cancer. I grew up fearing cancer even more then the average person. When I was four years old my brother died of cancer. I honestly believed that since my family had suffered from this loss, I would always be spared of having to live through the trauma of cancer. However, God decides, not me. In October 2013, I was diagnosed with a rare form of cervical cancer. My journey of getting diagnosed, being treated and recovering has not been easy. Here is my story…
I had day surgery in mid-October in order to determine if I had cancer or not. Three days after that surgery, I developed a deep vain clot in my leg and was admitted into the hospital. During this stay, I was told I most likely had cancer and that we didn’t need to wait for pathology to confirm my diagnosis. My clot was reinforcing what the doctors had predicted; I quickly became a cancer patient. I remember crying and feeling sad, but not devastated. I completely believed that God would make it all better quickly. I had been in a cancer-screening program for 18 months prior to being diagnosed, so I was certain that a quick surgery would take care of things. Wrong again. A month later, I was officially diagnosed. I was told that the tumor in my cervix was very large and had probably been there for up to 2 years. Apparently I had slipped through the cracks of the cancer-screening program that I was a part of. Mistakes had been made and my cancer had been missed. My biggest nightmare would come true: chemo and radiation. The tumor inside of me was too large for a successful surgery.
I remember crying out and asking God, “How could you let this happen?” It felt like it was more then I could handle. God’s response to me was, “I am with you.” I didn’t want Him, I wanted Him to fix my problem. Looking back, I had so much to learn. My first lesson was a hard one: God allows big, bad things to happen in our lives. He allows things to hit us that we can’t handle, so that we learn to lean on Him completely.
Two weeks after my diagnosis, treatments started. I got sick instantly. Nausea hit me like a punch in the gut and all the medication I was taking, was a shock to my body. So many nights I lay in bed and couldn’t believe this was the journey God was leading me on, and at the same time, I marveled at the strength He gave me just when I needed it. After my first week of treatments, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed and thought I could not survive 6 more weeks of this. I went to the hospital 5 days a week. I had radiation Monday through Friday and chemo every Tuesday. This was an intense treatment plan; however, God provided ways to cope. A group of friends offered to take turns driving me to the hospital everyday, so I was never alone. When I didn’t have energy to physically get there, I was escorted. God would bring verses into my life everyday through friends, devotions, and just in my mind to help me carry on. Somehow, I managed to get to every treatment. I was learning to rely on Him as my refuge and strength at all times. I learned that He will give me what I need, when I need it. I often felt like I didn’t have the strength or courage to get through each day, but I did for each moment. God often doesn’t give us beyond what we need, just enough. But enough is enough; and He is always dependable with enough.
There is another part to this story. I was sick, but so was my husband, Darryl. 4 months prior to my diagnosis, we learned he had a tumor behind his right eye that was the cause of severe headaches. In early January, when I was half way through my treatments, Darryl had to have major brain surgery to remove the tumor. The surgery was risky: there was a high chance he would lose his sight in his right eye. When the person you love the most is in pain or in any kind of jeopardy, all you want is to be with them and take care of them. But I couldn’t because I was too sick. We relied on friends and family to take Darryl to the hospital for his surgery and to be with him during his hospital stay. The morning he left for the hospital, I lay at home in bed begging God to carry Darryl through and to keep him safe. I did manage to get to the hospital in the afternoon of surgery day. In fact, I had an appointment with my oncologists that day to give me a progress report (my first one since treatments had started), had my daily treatments, and was sent for a chest x-ray in preparation for more treatments. Then I went up to the surgery ward to get the results of Darryl’s surgery. I think back on that day; it was way too much for me, but God was there. Because He was there, I made it through.
The surgery went extremely well; the first thing Darryl asked his nurse after waking up was, “How is my wife today; tell her I love her”. I was so relieved he remembered me! One of my biggest fears was having Darryl in the hospital. I didn’t have the energy to visit him each day, and I needed him at home to cheer me on through my treatments. God knew this. Darryl was discharged from the hospital 24 hours after major surgery. We couldn’t believe it, but were so thankful.
Not everything became easier after Darryl came home though. Now I was more on my own. He couldn’t come to the hospital with me for doctor’s appointments, even on days when “big news” would be given. I quickly learned how much I depended on Darryl and learned to depend on God instead. I managed to complete 5 rounds of chemo, 28 radiation treatments, numerous blood tests, and weekly doctor’s appointments. God carried me through all of this and has continued to be faithful to me.
My recovery from treatments has gone very well, quicker then expected. However, I have been told that my cancer did not respond to treatments as well as my doctors had hoped. So, I’m waiting for 12 weeks, to let the treatments finish working. Then, I will be reassessed to determine if surgery and more treatments are needed.
Waiting can be a very scary place, but I have learned that God is in control. He allowed me to get cancer, and He gets the last say as to whether I am cured or not. He gets to choose how I’m healed and when. God has also taught me that He is always present. He will never leave me nor forsake me. But it is my responsibility to acknowledge His presence in my life. I know God is taking me through this journey to change me and prepare me to serve Him. I’m not sure how, or where or when. But I can’t wait to see what is in store because now He is directing me and I am learning to follow.
